I have to get this off my chest
This is not, I repeat NOT a way to look for sympathy but I carry this around every waking moment and have been for exactly 1 month & 1 day which is the last time I saw him.
I met him somewhere between Florida & nowhere in particular. And much before that too but not formerly known to me or him but it happened I guess. But it wasn’t until later that I discovered this and wondered why it took 2 years to really meet.
Well we did. And spent countless secret moments together for there were too many others involved that need not know our time spent was his & mine only.
You see he has a girlfriend. She was also pregnant with his child but I let it continue trying not to let my conscience eat at me. I told myself I was having fun and didn’t expect that I would grow closer to him; but to also have feelings for him. What a fool I was! I very well know that I ALWAYS let my feelings for someone be known when I find a connection with a man even when I know the circumstances whether right or wrong..
My fault. And I wanted very badly to tell him but choked up every time and just cherished moments spent close and guarded.
I didn’t get to say good-bye but instead got away with a see ya! And this ate at me every day Until I started to write letters to him not to be sent. Just to get out all the things I wanted to say but never did. All the anger and sadness I endured on my end because I never got closure really.
10 days ago I got a message from him telling me he had a son. I texted him to tell him congratulations and I meant it. It’s wonderful. And it hurts. And I wanted so bad to hear his voice so I played the message again. It brought me back to a happiness that I had every day just seeing him walk by made me all giddy and nervous inside..
So I finally texted him one thing yesterday. “m” he called me hours later and we caught up for a solid 6 minutes. It was like we just spoke yesterday aside from the only thing I remember him telling me which is stuck in my head. We talked about what’s been going on since the last time we saw each other. He said it’s like groundhog day. Same thing over and over.
It’s just so sad. Because this is exactly how I feel right now. My life is just played out over & over like a tape skipping. Same shit different day. Nothing ever fucking changes when I’m at home. I might as well NOT be here because it’s like I’m not. I don’t hang out with any of my friends. They just treat it like I’m not here anyway. Like I’m off on tour or something… or at least that’s how it feels most days. When on tour the people you work with become your friends. Like him. He became my friend. My confidant. And I could never ruin his life and the gifts he has but I miss him. I want my friend back. My lover.
I so badly want to get out of here that I almost can’t stand it anymore.
I don’t feel right and haven’t since December 18th.
I’m just so tired of being here facing my issues in this state of mind.
I apologize for if anyone who reads this thinks I am a horrible person. I would NEVER want to be on the other end of that coin. It would crush me. And to think he posses all this power. I could go on & on but I won’t. It just is what it is.
I am sure to lose followers over this. I can feel it.
I just can’t go on any longer pretending to think that it’s alright to hide behind someone I’m not. I feel like this is the ONLY place I can be myself and just spew even in the worst of times. And believe me; this is my worst of times.
I’m in this and will have a VERY rough time digging myself out so please everyone; forgive me.
I don’t know why anyone would unfollow you, especially after reading this.
